


Salty Goulash and Soapy Cookies

by ZWorld



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anniversary, Cooking, Domestic, Ererictober, Established Relationship, Food, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26854279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZWorld/pseuds/ZWorld
Summary: Eren Yeager couldn’t cook to save his own life. It was a fact very much known between him and his boyfriend, Levi Ackerman, after numerous trials and errors. Yet, that didn’t stop Eren from attempting to surprise Levi with a cooked meal on their first anniversary.Written for Ererictober Day 5: Cooking.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 7
Kudos: 88





	Salty Goulash and Soapy Cookies

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it with another fic!
> 
> Apologies for any mistakes! Not beta read or anything of the sort!

Eren never learned how to cook.

Growing up with a stay-at-home mum, there wasn’t ever any opportunity for him to do such a thing. Only on the odd occasion when his parents went out on weekends or after school would he have to whip something up. But that usually resulted in PBJ sandwiches, potato chip bread, fairy bread or his most favourite, whole potato cooked in the microwave with two heaping tablespoons of butter.

His knowledge expanded during his final summer while in high school. Eren’s parents waved him goodbye for four weeks and he was all but left alone with a shit load of money for takeaways and what not. Of course, those got boring real quick so he was left to his own devices. 

First came the easy things Google recommended; baked beans on toast, wraps, toasties, and even a mouse trap. Then came the frozen pizzas and hot pockets and dumplings and mini pies and sausage rolls, all heated via the microwave. 

He miraculously survived, even if it meant becoming so unfit that he could no longer run a lap around the sports fields for the first month back at school. To which Jean - that stupid horse face - had the gal to tease him endlessly about. The worst part was how his mum had scolded him for eating so much crap. She basically kicked the bad habit of eating microwaved food right out of his system that he barely came near that thing anymore. Unless it was for reheating leftovers and waffles because, man, were waffles warmed in the microwave so, so good. 

Once university came by, Eren had the luxury of being able to stay home with only a short 20 minute bus ride to campus. Most of his friends were in the same boat and they usually caught the transport together. 

Breaks were spent in the quad eating an array of cheap and oily meals. There wasn’t ever a reason for him to bring his own food, and if he did, his mum was always there, coddling him and packing a backpack filled with all sorts of snacks.

So, one could expect that Eren was at a loss when two years after graduating university, he met someone at a bar, they hitted it off, became boyfriends, and within half a year, he was moving into said boyfriend’s - Levi - apartment.

Being left to cook for himself and Levi turned out not to be nearly as easy as he thought it was going to be. His mum always made it look so easy. Eren assumed he could pick a recipe book, or Google a few recipes and wala, he would be able to make good food. 

Only, the path was filled with frustrating roadblocks. 

Like for one - Levi knew how to cook. In fact, he learned how to cook from a young age. With having a mother who was a nurse and rarely home throughout the day, his boyfriend had to become self-sufficient very quickly. Not only that, but Levi was ten years older than Eren and since university, lived all by himself. That all meant Levi knew how to cook, really, really well.

Eren loved that about Levi. 

Hell, it was partially the reason why he fell that much harder in love with the man. 

It all started on their third date. They were meeting up after work for a cup of tea at Eren’s favourite local cafe, a stroll through the park and then dinner at a Thai restaurant one of Levi’s friends had boasted about. 

Mother nature had other plans because before either realised it, a dark cloud rolled on by and decided to - as Levi had put it - take an entire day’s worth of piss on them. With their suits sopping wet and their leather shoes filled with water, they opted to escape to Levi’s apartment nearby. 

After marveling at the expanse of Levi’s apartment, Eren was left intensely curious over the massive kitchen it came with. It was ridiculously big and if he had to estimate, it was larger than the lounge. Levi’s reasoning was that the kitchen was an important place. It’s where the body obtained its fuel, vitamins and what have you. And well… he liked to cook, so he needed a big space.

What followed after that had Eren’s heart pounding in happiness and excitement. A simple question of “bangers and mash” or “steak and chips” was all it took. 

Eren was a simple kind of guy. _Of course_ he chose sausages. He loved _sausages_ . And aside from the food he was very much looking forward to tasting, there was also a _different_ kind of sausage he was hoping to try afterwards for dessert. Although, those thoughts were quickly dispelled as Levi started chopping vegetables that matched Jamie Oliver’s skills. His boyfriend had all but shrugged, stating he was preparing the salad on the side like it was some mundane task. 

Two glasses of wine later, Eren was seated by the small round dining table with a steaming plate in front of him. It was filled with mash, two sausages settled on the lower end of the plate along with two heaping piles of peas either side and a drizzle of gravy all over. Eren was floored by the meal presented to him, even if Levi had hilariously enough plated it like… well... like dick and balls. 

That was yet another thing that Eren loved about Levi. The man had a knack for creating art with food. Or, to be a bit more clear, whatever Levi cooked up, there was never any doubt that he’d plate it up in the most phallic looking ways. It sort of became a ritual between the two of them. Which always had Eren laughing his ass off before digging in. 

And boy. Did he dig in. 

One bite of the softest, juiciest sausage and the most buttery mash potato he’s ever had in his life and suddenly Eren’s heart was sold.

Which is why he could never compete against Levi. 

The few times he attempted it, Levi made Eren swear to never cook alone again. In his defense, Eren didn’t _mean_ to accidentally drop the tea towel into the oven and _forget_ about it. Or that one time he was boiling some potatoes to give Levi a head start and, yet again, forgot about the tea towel on top of the pot lid, only for it to erupt in flames ten minutes later. From there on, they called truce. Only Levi was allowed to cook and Eren was in charge of all cleaning matters. 

Thus, the second roadblock was that Eren was banned from turning on the oven or gas hobs when Levi was out. Which he most definitely hated because he really wanted to surprise Levi for their one year anniversary. 

He wanted to cook Levi the most delicious meal he could concoct. He wanted Levi to be moaning around that fork, just like he usually was whenever his boyfriend was trying a new recipe. Eren wanted Levi to remember their first year anniversary for months to come. Maybe even ask him to make it again. 

For once, he didn’t want to be a lousy cook.

So, he decided he’d ignore the rules Levi made in favour of trying to prove his worth. What better way to come full circle than with dessert too!

For dessert, he wanted to bake some dick shaped cookies. For old times sake because of course Eren wanted to continue on with their ritual. 

That’s how the third roadblock came about. 

Just what was he going to cook and how was he going to even shape such cookies. 

He knew the meals Levi loved, but his knowledge and experience was so poor that Eren doubted that following a recipe to any of them would lead to success. They always confused him anyway. It was all gibberish. Like, what was a Tbsp? Or a pinch of salt? Was it a tiny or big pinch? Levi always went nuts with the salt, so he guessed maybe a pinch meant a sprinkle. 

So, it took him a lot longer than planned to decode the beef goulash recipe he had found and even painstakingly longer to figure out what this and that meant in the chocolate chip cookie recipe. 

They seemed easy enough. Both of which meant throwing things together in one bowl or pot and shoving into the oven. Luckily the cooking times were written on the recipes, so he started with the cookies because they were a lot quicker. 

In went half a block of butter with a cup of sugar. He didn’t know where Levi kept the plastic utensils he normally used when baking, so Eren went to town with whatever he could find. A glass of sugar. Mixed those together and cracked two eggs in. Mix again, giving the spoon a taste. Eren hummed, the sugary sweetness already making him hungry. 

Then came a spoon of baking soda. He didn’t know what tsp meant, so he grabbed whichever was in the drawer, and then the two glasses of flour. He got distracted with ‘taste testing’ the chocolate chips that by the time he chucked it all in and ticked off all the ingredients, he couldn’t quite remember if he added the baking soda or not. Second guessing himself, Eren added another for just in case. 

After mixing it all together, Eren lined the baking trays with paper and started to spoon mixtures of the dough into dick and balls. By the time he was placing the trays into the oven, Eren felt proud of himself. 

It wasn’t nearly as hard as he thought it was going to be. In fact, it was so easy, Eren was surprised he never tried it before. Nor did he understand why he had been so afraid at the beginning. They were just plain old cookies. There was nothing to fear. 

Unfortunately the goulash was a little harder. He didn’t know what ‘browning off the beef chunks’ meant, so he chucked it into the pot with all the veggies he had chopped while the cookies baked. He went with potato, celery, carrots and onions. Those he at least knew how to prepare. While he didn’t know how to cook, Levi always made use of the extra pair of hands and made him do all the dirty work. 

Into the pot went the chopped tomatoes, sour cream and array of spices before stirring it up. The recipe suggested seasoning at this point, so he went to town. Just like how Levi always did. Not just with one sprinkle of salt, oh no, but _three_. The first he was a bit unsure, the second sprinkle was for practice, and the third he got it perfectly down. Eren was pretty sure even Gordan Ramsey would be proud of his salt tossing.

By then the timer went off for the dick cookies. Which, aside from turning into _thick_ dicks, looked pretty scrumptious to him as he rested them on the gas hobs. He didn’t dare to try one. Rather, he placed tin foil over the pot and slipped it into the hot oven. Setting the timer for two hours, Eren went on his merry way. He’d clean his mess a little closer to the time. But for now, he had some extra work to do since he came home early. 

By the time he heard the keys jingle in the doorway, Eren had _just_ finished setting up the dining table. With the goulash dished into a large bowl, the cookies set aside on a plate, a bottle of wine in the middle, along with heated, microwavable rice in another bowl. The lights were dimmed, battery candles were glowing and the smell of warm, cooked food filled the air. 

Levi was shocked, to say the least. In fact, he nearly dropped the bouquet of flowers in his hand. And if Eren didn’t know any better, his boyfriend also looked a mixture of confused and afraid. Eren tried to ignore it because ultimately, he hoped those latter two would be melted away with one spoonful of goulash. It had to be. Eren worked so hard to get it right.

For once, he just wanted to make Levi happy with food. 

With a quivering smile, Eren kissed Levi on the lips in greeting, and took the bouquet of flowers from his boyfriend right after. They were really pretty. Meaningful too. Beautiful, vibrant red tulips that always reminded him of his childhood and the garden his mum constantly fussed over.

“What’s all this?” Levi asked, eyeing up the table with suspicious eyes. 

“I wanted to surprise you with dinner,” Eren replied, nibbling the bottom of his lip as they walked towards the table. 

“You did all of this by yourself?” 

“Yeah,” Eren answered nervously, hands becoming ever so slightly sweaty with nerves.

“Not bad,” Levi commented, leaning over to look into the bowl of goulash. 

“That’s a good sign,” Eren chuckled. “Okay well, you get to serving. I’m going to put these in water or else I’m sure mum’s going to call. You know how she is with her sixth sense when it comes to flowers.” 

Levi snorted but followed Eren’s instructions anyway. 

Things started off well. With a clink of their wine glasses and a wish of ‘happy anniversary’ they dug in. 

The first spoonful was alright. Maybe a little salty. But also, that could have just been the bite he took. The meat wasn’t the most tender, but at least the vegetables were soft and flavoursome. 

Humming in surprise, Eren looked up at Levi, trying to gauge his reaction. Eren was hoping for a barely-there smile, or at least, an approval of some kind, but nothing of the sort existed. If anything, Levi’s eyes looked a little red and his thin eyebrows were pinched. 

Quirking his own brows in confusion, Eren took another spoonful, only for his cheeks to start to hurt a little. He couldn’t quite figure out why, so he took another. This time, his eyes started to water. 

_Oh. Fuck_ , he thought internally. 

Why was it so salty? He hadn’t put that much salt in it, did he? Maybe it was just the meat. Yeah. It definitely had to be the meat. 

One more spoonful of just the sauce had Eren twisting his mouth, ripping the spoon right out with disgust. 

“Ugh!” he spat, tongue sticking out as his eyes shot to Levi in worry. Sweat beaded at Eren’s temples, his cheeks reddening in embarrassment for fucking up the most simplest recipe on the planet. The salty flavour covered his tongue, causing his mouth to feel so dry. It was so hard to swallow his own spit, Eren dived straight for the wine.

Holding the wine in his mouth to dissipate the god-awful saltiness, green orbs looked up to Levi’s face just in time to see his boyfriend take another bite. 

_Levi, no,_ Eren thought, struggling to swallow fast enough to warn his boyfriend. _Don’t do it._

But bless his boyfriend. Lord, if Eren wasn’t in love with Levi already, watching him eat the awful goulash with no fear sure did the trick. The man took it in his stride, even as his mouth deeply twisted into a frown, his nose wrinkling just a hair and his grey eyes forming watering around the edges. One audible swallow had Eren trembling in disgust _for_ the man. 

He really fucked this up. But how? He followed the recipe exactly! He checked. No, triple checked even! It was so unfair. Eren just wanted to do good. So, how on earth did he royally fuck this up?

Levi cleared his throat, followed by a deep breath through his nose, his own cheeks going the slightest tint of pink. Another audible swallow, his adam's apple bobbing. Time seemed to stretch as Eren watched Levi school his features. Why, Eren had no idea. It was obvious as fuck the goulash was a flop. His own piss would’ve tasted better. 

Eren dared to meet Levi’s grey eyes, expecting to find disappointment and disgust. But to his surprise, there was the faintest bit of laughter behind them. Even after such an intense taste. 

“Jesus Christ, Eren. How much salt did you put in this?”

“Only a pinch,” Eren explained quickly as ever, cheeks a vibrant red from embarrassment. 

Levi picked up his wine glass, the corners of his lips pulling into the faintest smirk. “How much of a pinch?” 

“You know,” Eren said, holding his hand up in a pinch with all his fingers, “The way you always do it. A trail of salt and all.” 

“How many times?” 

“Three.” 

“Fuck,” Levi hissed into the wine glass. 

“That bad, huh?”

Levi snorted. “In comparison to sea water? You’re nearly on par.”

“I’m sorry,” Eren apologised, eyebrows pinching together. “I didn’t mean to add that much salt.”

“I know,” Levi reassured. “Most meals don’t need three, only one. Or, two at most.”

Eren whispered another apology, biting his bottom lip in shame. Not knowing how else to reply, he figured maybe the cookies would be the next thing to eat to rid them of the awful saltiness. “We- we could wash our mouths out with the cookies?” 

Levi looked at them skeptically, all of which had Eren’s heart stuttering. If by simply _looking_ at the plate of cookies had Levi hesitating, then there was no way they would be tasting good. His boyfriend knew all the tips and tricks, and Eren had no way of bypassing that. 

Nevertheless, he lifted the plate and offered Levi one anyway. Grabbing one too, they both lifted it to their lips at the same time. Eren, being overzealous with food as he always was, took the biggest bite he could. 

At first, it was sweet and buttery with the tiniest bit of chocolate coming through.

But then...

But then Eren saw his life flash right before his eyes. 

It took him back to the one time he swore in front of his mum. The punishment included soap shoved into his mouth, until the cuss word was all but forgotten and only the taste of bitter, frothy soap lingered in his mouth. 

“Fuck!” Eren choked, spitting out the soapy cookies right into the forgotten goulash. “Shit takes like fucking soap!”

With his mouth still open, tongue hanging out, his saliva, he swore, starting to froth, Eren immediately looked on over to Levi, finding him with his head bowed down. One elbow rested against the table, with the very same hand holding the cookie with a tiniest bite missing. That same wrist rested against his forehead, while the other free hand covered his mouth. Eren couldn’t see what sort of expression Levi was wearing, but that all changed as soon as his shoulders started to shake. 

Levi potentially gagging was the first thought to appear in Eren’s mind, so he rushed to stand up, the chair screeching loudly behind him. “Le-Levi,” Eren asked, hand reaching out to his boyfriend’s shoulder. 

Eren knew right there and then that he fucked up spectacularly. Levi didn’t make a single comment, not even a teasing one like before. Instead, his shoulders began to shake more and more, and the quietest of whimper came from him. Eren’s heart ached at first, thinking that he made Levi gag and cry from how awful the dick cookies tasted. 

“Levi, are you okay?” Eren tried again, hand making contact with Levi’s shirt. 

Levi snorted loudly at that, his shoulders shaking violently as he started to laugh ever so quietly. Eren pulled his hand back quickly, shocked beyond all words to hear the laughter fall from Levi’s lips. It grew louder by the second, his head shaking slowly in reply to Eren’s question. 

All Eren could do was fall back into his chair, staring with wondrous eyes as he watched Levi laugh, his face never coming in view, but Eren could see the tips of his ears going bright red, and that was more than enough. 

Never in their relationship had Eren ever seen Levi laugh like that. Sometimes his boyfriend would gift him a smile, but never a laugh. Not a laugh that was so deep, so throaty, and so infectious that he couldn’t help but join in. 

It was hard to stop. The tears welled up in the corners of his eyes, his sides aching as he howled, the linger soapy taste hurting his cheeks despite his happiness. Eventually it trickled down, both of them panting from their laughter and Eren wiping away the tears. Levi cleared his throat, looking up to meet emerald eyes. Eren’s breath hitched at the moment, spotting the redness on Levi’s cheeks, and the happiness in his grey irises. 

“You’re right,” Levi said, his voice low and hoarse. “These soapy cocks are exactly what we needed to wash away the shitty sea water.” 

Eren rolled his eyes at that. “Levi,” he groaned, scowling playfully at his boyfriend even though he knew Levi was only teasing him. “I tried really hard, okay? I wanted to make you a dinner you’d never forget.” 

“You did. Like hell I’m ever going to forget this shit.” 

“For all the wrong reasons!” Eren retorted. “I wanted you to fall in love with my cooking. Just as much as I love yours.” 

Levi shook his head, dropping the cookie back onto the plate. “You don’t need me to love your cooking Eren.”

“But yo-”

“What I appreciate instead is the way you clean. Out of anyone I’ve ever known, you clean the best. Isn’t that enough in comparison?” 

“Cleaning isn’t a good enough reason,” Eren disagreed, crossing his arms. “It isn’t something as satisfying as cooking a meal and having you moan over it.”

“You may think that, but I don’t. Listen, Eren. Nothing makes me happier than coming home to a tidy house that _you_ cleaned.” 

Eren bit his lip at that, milling over what Levi had said. True, he didn't know much about cleaning either when he first moved in. But after an intense crash course with Levi and he was good as gold. Thinking about it more clearly, Eren did sometimes notice Levi smiling to himself when walking into a clean kitchen. Or when he ran a hand over the bookshelves. Or breathed a sigh of relief when entering their ensuite. Or hummed happily when opening a wardrobe stacked with clean clothes.

So maybe…

Maybe Eren was giving Levi the exact same feelings with his cleaning habits as Levi gave him with food. 

Yeah. 

That’s what he meant, wasn’t it? 

“So… I stick to cleaning and you stick to cooking?” Eren questioned, eyebrows quirking. 

“Exactly.” Levi nodded, standing and picking up his plate. “How many chocolate chips are left?”

Eren hummed, eyes following Levi into the kitchen. “I only used half a bag.” 

“Alright. Let’s compromise,” Levi started, placing his dishes into the sink. “You order something in of your choosing and while we wait, we’ll give those cocks another attempt.” 

Eren twisted his body, eyes wide in surprise. “Really?” 

“Well, the least I can do is teach you how to bake cookies. I don’t want you poisoning me again.”

Standing up and frowning deeply, Eren argued back. “I was not trying to poison you.” 

“Says the man who added too much soda,” Levi sniggered, taking out the bag of chocolate chips from the cupboard. 

“So that’s what it was,” Eren muttered, opening said bag. 

“Don’t even dare,” Levi hissed. The young man frowned, but kept his hand out of the chocolate just in case his boyfriend decided to slap his wrist.

Instead, he watched closely as Levi got all the ingredients and measuring cups. His body moved smoothly and swiftly before settling everything down in the counter in front of them. 

Levi started from the beginning after Eren called in for curry. His has patience of a saint as Eren questioned all sorts of things the recipe had. From tsp to cups, to weights to even whatever the hell softened butter was. Levi was firm and clear and as the time ticked away Eren was once more reminded of how much he loved Levi. 

No matter how many times he fucks things up, no matter how many tea towels he’s burned, or fingernails he’s peeled off, or the amount of times he’s sneaked a spoon into food while it cooked on the gas top, only to be slapped on the ass. Levi was always there to pick up the pieces. To forgive him. To set him right. To set rules that really needed to be there for their safety. Especially their palates, because Eren didn’t think he’d ever forget the taste of soapy cookies and salty goulash. 

And even if it all turned out to be a flop, Eren did in the end give Levi the best, memorable anniversary. 

One they’d forever fondly retell to all their friends and one in which they’d never forget. 

And one Levi never failed to bring up each and every time he had a sneaky suspicion that Eren wanted to cook again. 

**Author's Note:**

> There's a few words used that I'd like to explain:  
> Fairy bread - white bread spread with butter and covered with sprinkles  
> Whole potato in Microwave - wash the potato, pierce holes with a fork, place onto plate and microwave on high for 6 or so minutes until done Slice open and load it up with butter  
> Mouse trap - white bread with tinned spaghetti on top. Add grated cheese and microwave until melted.  
> Pies and Sausage rolls - best to google with the word "Australia" or "New Zealand" added to the end of it! They're yummy!  
> Beef Goulash - chunks of red meat, tinned chopped tomato, sour cream, spices (paprika, salt, pepper, sometimes cumin and dried coriander), and any vegetables of your choosing. It's basically like a stew but with more sauce!
> 
> Thank you for reading this fic! Until next time!


End file.
